Long Over Due....

For months now this post has been forming in my heart and mind. I have been wrestling with it. I haven't been sure how to share it, or IF I should share it.

Before we committed to adopting Ellie, I knew she was ours. I could feel it with every ounce of my being. I never dreamed Todd would agree to another adoption. I didn't even know if we could pay for a second adoption.

We prayed.

Todd was on board.

We did more Pictures In The Park.

I started backing away.

gasp?

I know what on earth am I talking about? I started questioning everything. I prayed harder. I asked God for confirmation. He had mercy on me and showered me with his grace. He gave me a confirmation.

And yet...I still backed away.

WHY?

Well...that is what I have been wrestling with for 2 years now. And I think I finally have an answer.

After we made the committment to Ellie it was almost 2 years before I got to see her again. 2 years is a long time and it gives my mind ample time to wonder.

When Todd and I went in September of last year, I knew, really knew she was mine. But I couldn't see it. I know that doesn't sound right. I'm really not sure I can put it into words. Todd and I have talked many times about this. He assured me that he could see it when we were there. You see I think I was holding back because Jonas was there too. I had already invested so much in him and he was so close to coming home. I knew my wait would be so much longer for her. So I put all my energy into Jonas coming home first. Does that make sense?

It hurt to much to think about the fact that I was going to have to wait, AGAIN, for her.

Then this past April I went. And this time I could totally dedicate all of me to her. I really observed her. I checked all my reactions to her and made mental notes. I enjoyed her. I was overwhelmed by my feelings for her.

I drank it in.

I finally welcomed in the pain of having to wait.

We started the process for Ellie in May of 2007. In April of this year her process finally started in the Haitian court system. 2 years and we may have another 2 years to wait. I want to scream NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. With every fiber of my being I do NOT want her to be 6 years old when she finally comes home! I am believeing she will be home in one.

Recently I received a message from the Lord during our praise and worship time at church.

PRAISE...praise Kristina, praise your daughter home.

What?

Praise your daughter home!
No matter how long it takes, or how hard it gets, PRAISE her home!

Over the past few weeks I have been getting praise messages from all angles. The Lord is really wanting me to get this!

Did you know that there is untapped power in our praise? I have been learning this from a book I am reading, Power in Praise by:Merlin Carothers.

He explains that we have to first except exactly where God has us. And be willing to praise him for that. " A fact that when we honestly praise God, something does happen as a result."

He also says " God has a perfect plan for our lives, but he cannot move us to the next step until we joyfully accept our present situation as part of that plan."

"When we sincerely accept and thank God for a situation, believing that he has allowed it to come about, there is released into that situation a super-natural, divine force that causes changes beyond what can be explained as an unfolding of natural events."

I have been thinking about all this where Ellie is concerned. I have been mad that it has taken so long. (Not at anyone, just at the process.) I have had to wrestle with my heart holding back because of the unknown of how long will it take and not wanting to get hurt during the waiting process.

Well God has other plans. I really feel that God wanted me to know he EXPECTS me to praise Ellie home. Not beg or plead like I did with Jonas , but Praise. This is so new to me and I can feel God chaging some really deep rooted fears every time I praise him. And there are times I start off with, "Lord, I do not feel like praising you for this but you have asked me to, so I will obey. Now change my heart to conform to this as well. "

And he does.

The Lord has used this book as a guide really to teach me how to praise, really praise Him.

Did you know...
"Any form of sincere prayer opens the door for God's power to move into our lives. But the prayer of praise releases more of God's power than any other form of petition."

But thou art holy, O thou that inhabits the praises of Isreal. Palms 22:3 "No wonder God's power and presence is near when we praise Him! He actually dwells, inhabits, resides, in our praise."

I am learning what it means to stand firm in my faith. "Standing firm in faith means that we set our will to believe God's word that He is in charge, regardless of what our feelings say or how outward circumstances may seem."

Soooooo...all this wrestling I have been doing is finally finished. I am setting aside my fears of "what if's" where Ellie is concerned and resting in the fact that God called us to adopt her and has repeatedly confirmed this to me. I am deliberatly going to praise him thru her process!

I have put together a video dedicated to her. The song I chose has been another way God has spoken to me about praiseing, so I thought it was just the right one for Ellie!

Enjoy!




Hugs, Kristina