I WILL GO!

This blog has been on my heart for some time. Unfortunately my schedule has been really hectic and I hadn't had time till now to compose and post it. THANK GOD for three day weekends!

This blog may surprise most people who have been to Haiti, but I feel God urging me to share my thoughts and feelings. There are things that I've not shared because I never heard anyone else share them. They weren't always positive and I didn't want to be the "downer" person. But God has shown me that it IS something that needs to be shared. For everyone to learn from. So everyone that visits Haiti, can love it in their own way.

I have had the privilege to observe my good friend Michelle in Haiti. It is a an awe inspiring vision to behold. Her face literally glows with the love she has for this little country and it's people. You hear it in her voice, it oozes from every ounce of her. It is home.

But what do you do if instead of glowing you are wilting?
How do you explain that to someone who glows?
Will anyone ever understand?

My first trip to Haiti I was sooooooo excited to meet my son. Jonas was more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. I was prepared to meet him, but not to meet Haiti.

You 'think' you know what poverty means here in America... but we don't! You 'think' you know what HOT is... but you don't. You 'think' you know what it means to do without.. but you don't. You 'think' you know what relying on God is... but we don't. NOT until you go to Haiti.

My trips to Haiti are like a double edged sword. I am elated to be holding, touching, loving on my children, and the children at the orphanage. But I am so miserable because of the heat that I feel like I have to push through the air. I do NOT do well in environments that are hot. By nature I love the cold. I can't stand to be hot in any way shape or form. I sleep at night with one foot hanging out the covers, in the dead of winter, in an attempt to stay cool while I sleep.

When it is hot and humid here at home you will find me indoors. When I do have to go out, pray it won't be long, because my whole continence changes. It's not something I consciously do, but just happens. I try to keep my head up and rise above my discomfort, but fail miserably most of the time. My husband, God bless him, has shown his love for me during these times by not holding it against me.

Haiti is HOT! There is no way to describe it. Your standing still...in the shade...and sweat is pouring off you. There is no where to escape it. Yuck!

Now add that to something else.

I have openly admitted that most of my life I have struggled with what others think of me. And more recently I have been shown by God that the good side of that is I am keenly aware of others. I have hawk like eyes for their body language, and what they aren't saying. Because of this I feel I have the gift of mercy. The gift of mercy means to me... being able to see beyond someones words, being able to see their joy, sorrow, and pain. This is a gift from God and I am just learning how to use it for him. I also believe the gift of mercy is learning how to truly extend a hand of forgiveness even when we don't feel like it. Most of my deepest hurts in my short life God has used to teach me about his forgiveness, mercy, and love. He has grown me, delivered me from my circumstances of pain to one of understanding and mercy, and most of all compassion.

So how does this fit into how I struggle in Haiti. I sense things in ways that aren't always natural. I'm not sure I can explain it other than that. When I go to Haiti ALL my insecurities are amplified like roaring dragons. Almost to the point of paranoia. And up until recently I didn't understand it. Felt it, but didn't know why.

You may or may not know that the island of Haiti was originally dedicated to satan. I think you can look at the countries history and see that. So I would reason that there is a little more demonic activity there. Where there is evil, evil is personified. I feel on some level I am aware of it and it brings out all my weak spots. But the exciting thing is God's people are doing amazing works in Haiti. The good news of Jesus is spreading and lives are being changed. I would venture to guess satan is not to happy about that! So he fights to keep what he "thinks" is his.

My second trip to Haiti was very different from the first. I wasn't torn between spending time with my son and missions type work. All day we just loved on the kids. It was still hot, and I still struggled. BUT one difference...I relied on God to get me through each day. I would get up early and pray and cry and beg God to sustain me. To help me see Haiti and my circumstances through his eyes.

I have also been asking God to allow Todd and I to both go to Haiti at the same time. I always told myself if Todd was there I would be ok. But that would be relying on Todd not God. I believe God has not granted me my request because he wanted me first to learn how to depend on him. Maybe someday he will grant me this desire.

There is still a part of me ashamed to admit this, but by day 4 of both my trips to Haiti ,I am ready to go home. I don't usually cry a great deal in saying goodbye, or on the plane, because I am looking forward to being home again.

But when I get home it is a whole different story. The tears flow like a river. The guilt is heavy and suffocating. WHY? Why can't I be one of those people who glow, who thrive in Haiti? Why? I beat myself up.

Todd and I have spent countless hours discussing it, and praying over it. He has done his best to understand. Todd is a glower. And God has used him to show me Haiti through the eyes of Christ. To accept that I am not a glower, and that is ok. To see, for me, that in God's eyes it is a true sacrifice to go to Haiti. Because it is not easy, but I still choose to go. And that in choosing to go, I am obeying God.

I have come to understand that I don't have to glow. I just have to obey. I have to be willing to serve no matter the circumstances of my environment. He showed me with Todd's beautiful artistic heart and eyes, that Haiti IS a part of my heart. And I am finally at peace.

The following video is my way of sharing my Haiti heart with you...



If you are one who wilts and not glows....God wants you to know it is ok.
Hugs, Kristina