It Hurts!!!

Well, I have decided to bare a little of my soul. I hope you don't mind, but I really need to be open and honest right in this moment in time. Only by being open can I find healing.

Anyone who says adoption is easy or selfish does not understand the pain that comes with it. If they did, they would keep their mouths shut! I am hurting at this moment. Strongly and profoundly in this moment I ache, I mean gut wrenching ache to hold, touch, kiss, love on my children! It takes my breath away when I allow myself to give in for one brief moment to it. I am humbled in the same instant to know my Lord and Savior understands. He sent his son, Jesus, to this cold earth to be a sacrifice for all of us sinners. Oh, how he must have ached to hold his son, to rescue his son. I can not fathom how it must have felt to see his son hanging there for something he didn't do. ...an in that one thought I "know" he understands and shares my pain.

At times it is difficult to see other families go to Haiti on a regular basis to visit their kids, when we do not have that luxury. We have made the choice to stay home and continue to raise the money to bring our children home. We know for us it is a better steward of our money to put it toward our adoption expenses. But it is still hard. Don't get me wrong, we are so very happy for them that they get to go. I am not jealous, really, just wish I had that luxury. I just find comfort in the fact that soon they will be home.

This adoption journey has taught me many things. Mainly waiting on the Lord. I really didn't understand this concept. I thought I did, but until now I really had no clue. I find it when I am crying out to God,

"Lord I just want to see my children, hold them, KNOW not just hear they are fine....please"

God:
"My precious daughter, I know you are hurting. Trust me. Do you trust me? Do you trust that I know your children and you can find comfort in that?"

me:
"Yes Lord, I choose to serve you and trust in you, but it still hurts!!!!"

God:
"I know my child, I know. I love you...now be still and know that I am GOD!"


I wish I could sit here and type that adoption is so easy, fun, and pain free. And though there are times I feel such great joy, others need to know the whole story. It's like when people say after you give birth to your child you forget the pains of birth. Ahhh, yeah right....I'm still waiting to forget! LOL Well I guess no birth comes without birth pains. I guess in adoption this is it. Ok, bring it on!!!!! Because I know it is all worth it and I WILL hold my Haitian children someday soon! Til then I must wait on the Lord. And honestly, I would do it all over again if given the chance. God has given me an amazing love for these two children that are not of my womb, but most definitely born from my heart! I can not wait to bring them home!

Thanks for listening to my heart!
Hugs, Kristina