I'm A Survivor!

OK, take a good look at the picture. Besides it being a picture of one good looking turtle, what do you see?



I see what I have been thru recently. I was surrounded by darkness, with water all around me, no room for escape, and yet, I found myself basking in the warm glowing light of the Lord God Almighty!! Resting, warm and content to stretch out every part of myself to be exposed to my savior.



Basement update: The water is gone. But it left quite a bit of damage this time. We do have mold on one wall, both sides. So we are going to have to knock it down and re drywall it. The smell is gone. And we think we know the problem and how to solve it. Say a prayer for us.



We are going to use our check from the government (stimulus checks being sent in May) to fix our basement. We will redo the wall, replace all baseboards, and redo our downstairs bathroom (new sink, floor). We will have a work day and ask anyone that wants to help can come and help us. Hopefully it will all get done in one day, messes drive me crazy! We are VERY fortunate in the fact that we have a large circle of friends that we do this for each other. As one friend said, it's what the body of Christ is suppose to do.



We felt your prayers so much and we want you to know God provided $ to rent a carpet cleaner to clean the basement carpets. We learned a long time ago to put no padding down, so all carpets downstairs are just glued to the concrete floor. God went one step further, he also provided a meal brought to us. This was huge for me as a mom. We are suppose to provide the meals (nothing against dad's that cook) and I was so tired and still had the flu, and a friend offered a meal. What a sweet, sweet sound to my tired mommy ears! It was a great meal! Thank you friend!



We think that in our front corner the dirt has eroded away underground and there is a pocket where water pools next to our house. So we are going to back hoe the dirt away, tar the side of the house, and refill and pack down the dirt. We have been praying God provides a connection to a backhoe, and does anyone know how or where to get tar? We are hoping this solves the water issue. If not we will put in a sump pump in that corner.



Your prayers helped me personally too. God showed me my basement represented some areas in my heart as well. I had allowed the circumstances of life to seep in and fill up with dirty water. It was such a gradual thing that I didn't realize it. I have so much to share and I'm not sure where to begin. SO forgive me if this doesn't flow very well.



First: Being a mommy. I have always wanted to be a mom. I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be one. But I didn't really know what that meant. I had a distorted view of it, which made my reality a little selfish. And even though I wanted to be one, and I am one, I hadn't surrendered what that looked like to God. I felt like I had to be perfect and everything would go perfect. Even though I "knew" this wasn't a realistic thing, I still clung to it.



2 weeks ago Todd and I visited a local church. They had an alter call. Not for salvation but for people who needed to give some things to God. People who were hurting and just needed to be real in front of God. I felt a tugging on my spirit so strong I felt like I didn't have a choice. If I didn't move some unseen force was going to shove me down front.



I went. I fell at the feet of Jesus. I wasn't in a church any longer, I was at the foot of the throne of the Lord most high. I poured my heart out to him. I released so many things in so many areas it wasn't funny. I gave up my "ideals." I sobbed, and sobbed. It was a pretty ugly sight! I'm sure they had to have the carpet cleaned where I was. Snot everywhere! :o



But something happened that day. Besides time standing still while I got real with the Lord, peace poured out upon me. I felt a peace about me, my life, and circumstances. I haven't felt that in over 9 years. I released things I had been hanging onto for years. Things God had been asking for and I refused to give up. So instead water seeped in. And as you know, and I definitely know from my basement, water that stands for awhile gets rancid. The smell is disgusting believe me!



God came in and drained the basement of my heart. And he cleaned it and replaced it with a sweet smell of contentment and peace. I am at peace with myself. It is a strange feeling and still very new, but comforting. I am at peace with being a mom. I am at peace with this outgoing, out spoken personality that I have always made excuses for, or joked about having a big mouth. I'm at peace about my marriage, children, and yes even my basement.



Second: Confession time. I have been struggling with the issue of selfishness. Let me explain. 8 years ago I was confronted by a friend on behalf of several friends about this very thing. I was told I was a selfish wife, mother, friend and that I always made everything about me. Now what they didn't know and you don't know is at that time Todd and I were going thru a HUGE issue. One that threatened the very existence of our marriage. I was hurting and yes it looked like I was extremely selfish to them. After discussing it with each set of friends and revealing the truth of the situation all was resolved.



Fast forward to when we committed to adopting Jonas. A family member told me I was VERY selfish in this decision. That once again Kristina wanted something and would have it even at the expense of her family and marriage. That they would not, nor could they ever support this decision. I had no idea this close family member held this opinion of me.



So, I have had the message of selfishness come at me. The one thing I never wanted to be considered. Yet, I KNEW that because we are all sinners we will ALL have selfishness in our lives. But I was so paranoid about people thinking I was. (remember my lifelong struggle of worrying about what others think) So to admit there might be truth in their statements, was more than I could face. Notice I didn't say they were right, but was there any truth in what they said?



I learned from a wise friend once to ask God to show me any truth that might be in a hurtful statement others may make about me. In the first situation above, our friends were correct in observing some selfish things in me towards my husband. And even though I had been hurt deeply by him, it did not excuse my behavior. And I think our friends learned to see past the actions and extend a hand of Jesus to someone who was hurting.



The situation with my family member's opinion about our adoption choice...I understand their concern. After all to the outside world we looked CRAZY to be committing to adopting a child when my husband had been out of work for 3 months and 3 months after we made the commitment. I get that. But we did not make that choice lightly. There were countless hours of prayer by us and a few very close friends. We KNEW God was calling us. And we knew it would come under fire by others. But one thing this adoption process has taught us, being in the center of God's will for your life, isn't always the easy or comfortable path. But the right one.



So....for years out of fear of others seeing me in a negative light, I have just avoided the subject of selfishness. My feelings would be hurt if anyone even suggested it to me. I allowed the words spoken to me by that friend, to be the measuring stick in my life. Words I believe satan intended to hurt, and tear down my self esteem. And it worked. Every time there was something said, my mind went straight back to that hurtful night. God didn't want this for me. He doesn't want me to be held captive by another's words. And yet, my fear of others opinions did just that....held me captive.



That alter call helped me to let go of those words spoken over 8 years ago. To finally have the courage to ask GOD who I am and how he sees me. The truth is, I have a sinful nature. And that means I will have times in my life where selfishness will rear it's ugly head. The difference now is instead of taking another human beings words as truth, I need to get on my knees and ask God where the selfishness is and let him help me with it. To seek GOD's truth! And that just because you have a few selfish problems does NOT make you a selfish person. Wow what a lesson! It took me long enough.

Third: My struggle with worrying what other people think. I have given to God my self image. I will ask him about how he sees me and stop wasting time worrying about what others think! What freedom this lesson has brought. I know I will have to guard tightly this area from satan's ploys, so I will be on guard.

Fourth: I felt God asking me to clean up the physical areas of my life. Meaning my house. So the water issue spurred on a clean up of the whole house. We have been going thru things and purging. The girls had to make some tough choices and get rid of some things too. they has so much their rooms were awful. We have rearranged our family room down stairs and got rid of 3 huge pieces of furniture. It is so nice to see walls again! But more importantly it is nice to have a more organized house with less clutter.

Then, I felt God's urging to help with our budget to get a weekly menu together. So I took three hours one Saturday and made a 10 week supper menu. Now I have no excuse to make dinner every night. We have been on it for two weeks and it is WONDERFUL! It takes all the guess work out of it. And we are not eating out all the time because we hadn't planned ahead. And the best part of all...we sit down for dinner every night as a family! Our family dynamics has changed and our house is more peaceful!

We all have set bedtimes! Hallelujah!!!!! Todd and I do too. We are all getting more rest and this has added to the pleasant atmosphere in our home.

All of this is taking work and discipline on Todd and my behalf. But we are committed to it, and committed to helping each other achieve success. This is a life changing plan. We praise God for his mercy and love, because without it we would fail miserably.

I'm sorry this was long, but I wanted you all to understand that in the midst of our basement issues God was working in so many ways! Thank you for all your prayers during this time. God heard them and came to us to help repair!

Hugs, Kristina